Boston bombings, black comedy and a little rant

So a couple hours ago I heard about the bombings at Boston Marathon and I can’t even put into words how genuinely upset about it I am. I have no idea what enters these fucktards’ minds who decide to do anything destructive that affects others, never mind terrorism. My thoughts go out to everybody affected. Anyway hearing about this made me want to give a little bit of my opinion about stuff like this in general. I’m not a politician and tbh I hate politics because they’re corrupt little… nobheads so don’t go all whiney to me like “ohh wah wah she doesn’t know much so she’s not allowed an opinion!! :'(((((((” shut it fagface!

I’ll start on something really controversial about things like this. Now when I hear about something big in the news my first instinct is “SICKIPEDIA” but some people misinterpret why people use black comedy. Me, I don’t use it to offend; I use it to cope, and so do most people who use it and in fact that’s how it came about. If we didn’t have comedy we’d all have depression or something. And a misconception about people who use black comedy is that they’re all insensitive and are trying to get attention. Some might be, but a lot of us are just doing it to get by. So much horrible stuff goes on in the world, especially now and it’s just a way of getting through it. Comedy brings people together even for a few seconds and to me that helps with the way we are a massive team.

I’m only 16 so I shouldn’t really be focusing on this kind of stuff but it’s hard not to when everything around you is war, hate, money and politics. Get rid of them! I don’t even understand why the military do what they do, like, I think they’re in the wrong job. I think they should exist but only for protecting people when things like the bombings or serious outbreaks happen, not going to war, because war to me is just innocent people dying because grown adults can’t work things out for themselves. Speaking of which Kim Jong Un is an annoying cocky fat fucker who needs to be wiped off the face of the Earth. The man’s got the same hair as Joey Essex ffs! I don’t really want to hear on my last breaths “don’t be jel, be reem”!

I don’t understand why the world’s so divided. I mean I’m fascinated by different cultures but why are we so against each other and causing all this damage when all we have to do is man up and at least work something out?

Speaking of destruction, I saw a picture the other day with a paragraph explaining how a tribe’s habitat had been destroyed because some moron wanted some big corporate buildings there or something, will we have anything left at all? And these fucking idiots are wondering why we’re all in so much danger!

I’m still practically a kid and I think I could change the world better than all these twats can do! Anyway it’s happened again, a topical blog post has just turned into a stupid rant. I hope everything in Boston is sorted out because it kills me knowing innocent people have died because of some dickheads throwing their toys.

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Diarrhea pandemic! What would the world look like?

For this post I thank the lord for giving me skills in improv comedy. I was just discussing diarrhea with my friend (this is a regular conversation for us) and decided to google “Where will you be when diarrhea hits?” and came up with this fantastic idea.

So let’s say norovirus has hit like never before (same as any other year really then) and every single person in the world was infected with it, severely. What would it look like? I’ve found a few pictures that might just cover it.

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This lake was polluted by desperate people unable to make it to a toilet.

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Never seen a photoshoot disaster like it!

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Kim & Aggie won’t be able to clean that one love!

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Some were very unfortunate in the outbreak…

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Some decided to use it to get a little adventurous, you could probably see Jack Osbourne having a go.

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Talk about on the spot.

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Credit to Disneyland for keeping going during the pandemic though.

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Residents try to keep their homes as clear as possible.

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I also give credit to Beyonce for continuing her Superbowl performance despite her bum soup.

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The London Marathon also decided to continue on due to tradition.

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UK Olympian Beth Tweddle suddenly realizes that there may be some trouble in her routine.

And finally, in South Park…

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Inventions that could “change the world”… my arse!

I’ve been a bit bored for the past few weeks. Not much has been going on apart from easter (I now feel very very sick) so apart from watching Little Britain back to back I’ve been going on the weird side of the internet and decided to make a little list of some stupid inventions that people actually buy!

Eggsterminator Egg Cup

First of all Doctor Who’s shit anyway. If all screwdrivers were sonic I don’t think people would be having so many problems with their plumbing and my dad would be a superhero. I don’t like eggs either so sorry if this is wrong, but who even eats with an egg cup now? I haven’t seen those things since 2001! The only thing this is exterminating is your gag reflex.

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Toast Tattoos

I don’t even know about this. What would you need that for? The only artistic thing I do with my toast is cut my finger in funny shapes when I slip with the knife!

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Air Conditioning Jacket

I actually like this one. I’m English so I have no idea what warm weather actually feels like, but when I  actually get some, I want to stick my head in the freezer, and have actually done that before. We get more heat waves now and we’re not used to it at all because we’re never used to anything because we’re a nation of moaners. Just go into Asda on a Thursday night and you’ll know what I’m on about. Anyway this thing makes it easier for people like us to experience hot weather and apart from making you look like a complete dickhead, it must be a brilliant feeling.

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Dictionary Desk Pillow

I. Love. This. I’m the laziest person I know, and this could come of great use when I start college again. People who are like me always had worries on how they would survive a day at work, school, college uni etc, but now you’re sorted! You can get away with it as well because it makes it look like you were busy. Morning people just don’t have that kind of luxury.

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Insulting Hole Punch

Another one I love! I’m forever holding back on calling people fucking idiots when they say something just… I don’t even know. Anyway, this thing can help you do it subtly and people will think it’s a joke when really, you know it’s not!

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Lazy Self-stirring mug

Why, just why? If you need one of these then you’re really, really lazy. Like that fat dude off South Park who trolls Stan Kyle Kenny and Cartman on World of Warcraft. It’s like escalators; all it is is walking upstairs but we can’t even be arsed to do that so we just like to stand there with other people, likely farting in our faces, moaning or just generally being fat taking up all the room, when we could put one foot in front of the other and move up there. Not slating escalators though, they’re a legendary invention. Imagine if the world got to this point though, where moving your hand round a few times was life threatening because of how strenuous it is? Oh wait… I’m already there.

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Musical Piano Tie

This is just the sort of thing that guy at your office who wears dodgy glasses, has a dodgy haircut and likes to do that point finger upwards then downwards diagonally dance when he’s drunk would wear. That nobhead who carries a briefcase wherever he goes. Why would you want this?

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Umbrella Lead

Ha, this is cute. It’s a little umbrella attached to a lead (obviously) to keep your dog dry when you take it for a walk. I guess it would save the shaking of that rain all over you afterwards, but it doesn’t half make you look like a prat. It’s one of those things them posh women with lap dogs would use.

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 Personalized Cremation Urn

What the fuck is that about? How creepy would that be at all? You’re just there at their funeral and you can see an artificial head that is identical to them staring you in the face. If I had one of them, I’d have a bit of fun and make mine into Jimmy Saville or something.

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USB Pregnancy Test

How does that one work? Do you plug it into your lady bits or something and it detects the RAM  you have in your uterus? Does it give you a little summary about how much memory is left in there?

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Roadkill Toys

I know, let’s get the kids into necrophilia and bestiality at the same time! I’m so proud of them.

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Umbilical Cord iPhone Charger

Well I have to admit, my iPod is my baby. I take it everywhere and take care of it as if it was my baby. Yeah I have a pram for it and everything!

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TVHat

This thing makes you look like a burns victim. It’s a TV screen that’s sort of stretched over the peak of a hat. I guess it’s good when people are watching something stupid like The Notebook and you’re in unbearable agony, but that is the only excuse to look like a lorry!

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Flying Dildo

Just watch for yourself, this is bloody brilliant.

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What to do when you’re unemployed and bored

I’ve been a “bum” for nearly a month now (and was for 2 months in October/November), and I can’t put into words how monotonous it can get, so I thought I might use some of this time to help people in my nasty position! I exclude lazy bastards who just can’t be arsed though. I had to leave college over health issues (which I might blog about in future), which was not CBA syndrome! But it is an evil disease. 

1. Apply for jobs

Yep, the best thing you can do is actually get off your arse. The first week or so isn’t bad because you’re catching up on sleep and just generally chilling about, something you miss if you’re out enough, but after that it gets depressing. You sit there dwelling on how bored you are and how annoying it is trying to find jobs in your area. Before I searched for an apprenticeship in Wigan and got one in London! Anyway, I’m not talking about applying for one job a week. Get off your arse and go out, give CVs out, apply online and especially try career fairs. They tell you what options you have. 

2. Avoid daytime TV unless you want to suffer

That’s one thing I didn’t miss when I was at school/work. The Chase, Tipping Point, Daybreak, I could go on. The only show that isn’t migraine-inducing that’s on before say 7pm is Loose Women! Think of having to spend every day watching these shows all day, at the same time. That should motivate you. 

3. Get talking to people

And not paedos on Facebook either. Your mates, family, whoever, just don’t sit about on your own all day because that makes it worse. There’s only so much raving about in your bed that you can do before people think you have issues. 

4. Don’t fag out

Avoid anything to do with Facebook fame. That will make you a member of society that would be burned if it was about 70 years ago. 

5. Find a hobby or go to the gym

That way you’ll benefit because you won’t be a fat fucker and you’ll keep your mind busy! Plus getting exercise would help you run away from every celebrity who’s being labeled as a sex offender lately. If you’re artistic get on that!

I hope this post helps, especially if your only talent is lighting your farts! We’re all in this shit heap together! 

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Embarrassing Bodies….

Over the stupid amount of TV I’ve watched lately the biggest thing I’ve learnt is to NOT watch Embarrassing Bodies while you’re eating a takeaway. I was only eating chicken nuggets and still wanted to throw up! 

If you don’t know what Embarrassing Bodies is, it’s a show on Channel 4/More 4/Every other bloody 4 on the planet where 3 doctors show us, basically, embarrassing health problems from stuff the NHS always warn us about like ear infections, obesity, cancer, diabetes, viral infections etc, to weird stuff like people with their legs hanging off, farms on the backs of their heads, extra skin hanging off from when they lost weight (it’s so much you can hear it flap when they walk), constipation that lasts years, blue piss, I could go on. 

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They actually call that in the picture elephantitis! Yeah, you really “value our dignity” there love. I actually feel bad for these people who go on, and how much it affects their lives and I  know, I have IBS myself and it’s not really nice knowing that if you say, eat something that doesn’t agree with you, you get no warning and need to run before lava explodes from your arse, or in contrast, can’t go for so long that you can taste it nearly coming out your mouth like on that South Park episode where the priest tries to change the Holy Document of Vatican Law. 

Anyway, one thing I  don’t get is that if they’re so embarrassed by their condition why would they allow that to be on TV? It’s like me going up on stage and saying “hey, one of my arse cheeks is so long i have to twist it around my body just to stop it dragging on the floor!” you wouldn’t do that would you? At one point during this chicken nugget incident, someone came on with this (WARNING: GRAPHIC)

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What. The fuck. Is that. It’s weird because if you saw that on a gore site you’d go “THAT’S DISGUSTING OH MY GOD THAT’S WRONG” but if you saw it on this, you’d say “it’s a medical programme. It’s important we see this so we can spot the signs and catch it early.” 

I’m going on. Basically it’s so entertaining that I can’t stop watching it, bit like a horror film. It’s a clever way of shocking people with nasty stuff. I might do this with lolshock.com and say it’s just a precaution so you can protect yourself!

 

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