I’ve been a bit bored for the past few weeks. Not much has been going on apart from easter (I now feel very very sick) so apart from watching Little Britain back to back I’ve been going on the weird side of the internet and decided to make a little list of some stupid inventions that people actually buy!
Eggsterminator Egg Cup
First of all Doctor Who’s shit anyway. If all screwdrivers were sonic I don’t think people would be having so many problems with their plumbing and my dad would be a superhero. I don’t like eggs either so sorry if this is wrong, but who even eats with an egg cup now? I haven’t seen those things since 2001! The only thing this is exterminating is your gag reflex.
I don’t even know about this. What would you need that for? The only artistic thing I do with my toast is cut my finger in funny shapes when I slip with the knife!
Air Conditioning Jacket
I actually like this one. I’m English so I have no idea what warm weather actually feels like, but when I actually get some, I want to stick my head in the freezer, and have actually done that before. We get more heat waves now and we’re not used to it at all because we’re never used to anything because we’re a nation of moaners. Just go into Asda on a Thursday night and you’ll know what I’m on about. Anyway this thing makes it easier for people like us to experience hot weather and apart from making you look like a complete dickhead, it must be a brilliant feeling.
Dictionary Desk Pillow
I. Love. This. I’m the laziest person I know, and this could come of great use when I start college again. People who are like me always had worries on how they would survive a day at work, school, college uni etc, but now you’re sorted! You can get away with it as well because it makes it look like you were busy. Morning people just don’t have that kind of luxury.
Insulting Hole Punch
Another one I love! I’m forever holding back on calling people fucking idiots when they say something just… I don’t even know. Anyway, this thing can help you do it subtly and people will think it’s a joke when really, you know it’s not!
Lazy Self-stirring mug
Why, just why? If you need one of these then you’re really, really lazy. Like that fat dude off South Park who trolls Stan Kyle Kenny and Cartman on World of Warcraft. It’s like escalators; all it is is walking upstairs but we can’t even be arsed to do that so we just like to stand there with other people, likely farting in our faces, moaning or just generally being fat taking up all the room, when we could put one foot in front of the other and move up there. Not slating escalators though, they’re a legendary invention. Imagine if the world got to this point though, where moving your hand round a few times was life threatening because of how strenuous it is? Oh wait… I’m already there.
Musical Piano Tie
This is just the sort of thing that guy at your office who wears dodgy glasses, has a dodgy haircut and likes to do that point finger upwards then downwards diagonally dance when he’s drunk would wear. That nobhead who carries a briefcase wherever he goes. Why would you want this?
Ha, this is cute. It’s a little umbrella attached to a lead (obviously) to keep your dog dry when you take it for a walk. I guess it would save the shaking of that rain all over you afterwards, but it doesn’t half make you look like a prat. It’s one of those things them posh women with lap dogs would use.
Personalized Cremation Urn
What the fuck is that about? How creepy would that be at all? You’re just there at their funeral and you can see an artificial head that is identical to them staring you in the face. If I had one of them, I’d have a bit of fun and make mine into Jimmy Saville or something.
USB Pregnancy Test
How does that one work? Do you plug it into your lady bits or something and it detects the RAM you have in your uterus? Does it give you a little summary about how much memory is left in there?
I know, let’s get the kids into necrophilia and bestiality at the same time! I’m so proud of them.
Umbilical Cord iPhone Charger
Well I have to admit, my iPod is my baby. I take it everywhere and take care of it as if it was my baby. Yeah I have a pram for it and everything!
This thing makes you look like a burns victim. It’s a TV screen that’s sort of stretched over the peak of a hat. I guess it’s good when people are watching something stupid like The Notebook and you’re in unbearable agony, but that is the only excuse to look like a lorry!
Just watch for yourself, this is bloody brilliant.